Realizing.

You know, just because you realized something doesn't mean your ready to see your realization upfront and in your face.
I've realized many things in my life, hell the past few months alone, however I don't see my realization until its in my face staring at me.
Realizing something is better for yourself. Seeing it, can still hurt you or it can amaze you.
Either way, in life, you'll experience both.

College Rant.

I'm going to rant a bit, so just ignore if you dont wanna hear it.

1. I feel like I need to make a choice now. I know i'm still a junior and i have a bit of time, but right now i feel like a senior that still hasn't made her choice into which one she wants to go to.
I don't like talking about college cause I'm going to be completely honest, I'm scared as hell. I don't want to end up making the wrong choice of which one i should go to. And I can't afford to make the wrong choice. I can barely afford the right one.

2. This whole situation i'm in with math is killing me. Seriously. I have no idea what is going to happen. I dont know if i'll be able to pull my math grade up on time and if it'll be good enough. And if i dont then i dont even know if i can go to summer school. Its probably too late. And taking the class over again next year feels like a complete waste to me, and it feels like colleges just wont accept me for it.

3. When i do make my choice of where i want to go. I need to make sure it has what i want to do. I dont know what i wanna do. The only thing i thought of was being some type of Psychologist or something. But i'm not even sure of that because that is such a hard field to get into. And it sucks because i'm not interest in anything in the medical field and i'm not going to do anything with it...

bbl.

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I wish you were here.
I wish i could have just ONE memory of you.
I wish there was a video of us. But i guess the pictures i have are fine.
I'm trying hard to be what I think you would have expected from me, but i don't know if its enough.
I mess up and i'm not the most graceful, I hope you would have excepted it.
I just hope you know i'm trying, even when i'm not, i am in some way.
Siempre estoy pensando en ti. Te quiero y trato de hacer lo que pienso que tu quieres.
Tequieropapiyteextrañomucho.Felizcumpleaños.

I'm pretty much in shock still.

I didn't even know Camille..but I feel for everyone and anyone that knows her.
If that was one of my friends, or even anyone I partially knew. I really don't know what I'd be doing.
It's really crazy. I mean sure, not everyone has heart problems or whatever her situation was at our age. It shows me though that at any second, the person you see everyday, can just disappear and never come back.
This is not the first death I've heard of about someone at my school. But I think this one just put me in complete shock. One minute I'm laying down, trying to sleep in class, then I hear someone ask Ashley whats wrong. And all I see is her bawling, like...well exactly what the situation was.
I asked her, along with everyone around, why she was crying so badly. And she was barely able to even speak. Then we finally understood, and she said her friends heart had stopped. And my mouth flew open. I couldn't believe it, poor Ashley, and her poor friend.
After 5th period, I meet up with Amy as usual, and she just grabs me and starts talking. She told me the girl that Ashley was crying about, was in her class. And that even though in the morning her heart stopped, she was put in some type of coma or something, but they pulled the plug.
And I tried asking Amy who she was, and when she explained, I didn't recognize the name at all. But I was still in awe about how I could have probably seen her before, and never realized. And that this poor girl, was a sophomore, just one grade under me.
Now on myspace, I see a lot of people with their name, status or whatever else showing a sign of respect to Camille. Talking about their good times, and how much of a good person she was.

This devastation has brought me into terms with myself and the people I surround myself with. I don't ever want to take any for granted, I don't know if I do know because I really dislike that already but I hope I don't at all. I wanna appreciate all the people that are in my life, I'm thankful for every one of them.
Every single person that has entered my life, has changed me. One way or another. We take something from someone, and we give something from someone. No matter how much or how long we've known them. Either a new form of happiness or a new type of everyday word you caught in the conversation you just had.
For years, I've been trying to put myself out there in the world and just be as friendly as possible. Many times, I've failed. And I've come off as someone with either no social skills or someone really rude. If I ever did anything like that to you, I'm so sorry. I honestly don't mean it. And I'm even more sorry if I was having a bad day and which case I might have meant to give you some type of rude response or look.
I just think that this has brought me into a whole new mind set about many things.
To anyone that I have ever know or will even have a conversation with, thank you for making a change in whatever you will do. I hope I do something meaningful in your life or in anyone's life someday for the better.
My prayers go out to her family and friends. R.I.P. Camille Rodriguez.

-Crosses fingers-

So I've come to a realization.
I've been able to sleep lately, before 2 am.
&I really hope I'm not jynxing this cause I like sleeping kinda normal-ish.

&I still can't believe I'm almost a senior...
I feel like I'm trapped in this jail called "Pinole Valley" yet, I know I'm going to miss it once I get out.
...ormaybeiwont. (:

I wanna do something meaningful in life....

Ever since that assembly i've been wanting to really DO something about the situations people are in that they don't deserve to be in.
I mean I know that there's people in the world that don't have food, clothing, shelter and even good health. But now that I've SEEN a person that went through it and survived, I want to help someone survive too.
I don't know, the line "I'm just a girl, in the world." keeps getting in my head when I start thinking of myself actually doing something good and meaningful.

I don't even know what to say, I'm just bored and don't want to clean right now.
Even though I should/have to. I feel restless. l:

I barely blog anymore, I don't know why. I use twitter more though. ahha.

Laggin'

So I think I've realized why I've been laggin' so much.
Being a Junior has caught up with me...
Sounds weird but that's just how I am.
I think I started laggin' after we got our choice sheet for next year, and its SO weird for me to say that I'm gonna be a Senior.
I can't believe. I remember thinking in elementary school, "I wonder if I'll make it to be a high school student." and now I'm almost done with high school.
I think its my own way of wanting to ~not grow up & ~be a kid.

I'm excited for this week off. Even if I just stay home everyday and do nothing.
I just wanna not think about school. Even though I'll have to just to catch up on the work I need to do.
Now I shall finish my Ecology work....hopefully.